Long lost childhood

Slowly the sun got up, although those bright sunbeams were not yet visible. Only the once darkened air began to get lighter. In the distance he heard a rooster crowing. That goddamn rooster.. The deep desire to burn it was high, but perhabs being on edge today was the true reason for Dashiell's short temper. Exact two days ago he wrote a letter. One he knew he would regret- and yet he had felt the need to do so. After all those years she deserved answers. In the past their bond had been tight. Too tight to just let it go. It had bothered him for many, many years. But today.. Today he was -kind of- ready tell her what was going on. Maybe she didn't even wanted to know. Maybe she decided not to come, or she would only come to him to murder his ass. So many possibilities, all equally scary.

With a soft sigh, he forced himself to get out of the chair. There was no time to back out right now. He really had to go. No matter how it would go, it would give an opportunity to closure the past. To soothe the unfulfilling minds, the unanswered questions. Secretly he had hoped Ilona was alright - that she wouldn't suffer as much as he did thoughout the years. Her letter showed otherwise. She did suffer, even worse than he could imagine.

Easefully Dashiell stepped out of his house, to then walk to the agreed place in the same step. Oh yes, he looked all calm and steady. Nothing about that was real. His heart was racing non stop, making him afraid he would get a heartattack any minute now. His own body temperature was extremely high, something he -thank god- could still cover up by blaming some bending issues. It was clear this wasn't going to be easy. In order to make her understand something he had to tell what has happened to him. One of the hardest things to do, since this was going to his first time ever. No soul knew what had happened in the past. Of course his mother and spermdonor, but others? No. Not ever. His foster mom often tried to pull anything out of him, only never succeeded. The thoughts made Dashiell nauseous, yet his feet continued.

Silently he approached the bench. A red haired lady was sitting on it - looking nervous. Dashiell couldn't help but let out a small smile, recognizing her immediately. She "aged" nicely. Even as a young girl she had been pretty. Of course he never told her, prudish as he was at the time. He sat down next beside her, his fingers folding together. He had given her two days to travel down here, while he had given himself two days to practise his words. ,,Ilona," he began softly. ,,Before you say- or ask anything, please let me explain first. Please." His almost imploring gaze traveled up to her, waiting for permission to talk.

Her voice, as cold as it was, struck through his  upper body. Through his heart, leaving nothing but an endless pain behind. Why had things to get this hard? Why were poorly made choices always so punishing? Dashiell couldn't blame her for being like that. It was obvious he hurted her, badly. Even though it had never been his true intention. Back then... Well.. Things just had been very complicated. There was no right reaction, or right choices, to it. Their situation sucked hardly. And he could do nothing more but to explain why he never came back.

Although he had thought countless  of times about what he had to say, he completely blacked out the moment his mouth opened to start talking. Dashiell tried to keep himself strong. He tried to not let him affect him, but his shaking hands revealed otherwise. For fucks sake. Year after year he managed to do the most horrific stuff, back at the Boiling Rock. But talking to a lady screwed him up. Made him terribly nervous. Of course, the circumstances were not comparable to any other. This was different, and much harder to do. This was personal. ,,As you know, my father always worked down at the factory," he began with a soft, hoarse voice. ,,Nothing was wrong. We lived the perfect life actually, but that changed when he got fired. He applied for many jobs and every time he was rejected he began to drink more and more. Our home situation changed.. A lot. The man became a monster, started to.. Hurt us both." The memory box opened unwandedly. Scenes from what happened back then played right before his own eyes, which he quickly shook off by shaking his head. Just by telling it was already worse enough. ,,My mother was too afraid to speak up, so the abuse kept on for about a few years. This changed once my mom.." Pause. Dashiell forced himself to stop before his voice cracked. Before he went on he cleared his throat, gazing down at their feet. ,,Once she erhh.. Caught him in the act of what he did to me. She snapped, killing the man straight after. The next day she reported herself,  and now she's in prison for life. I was brought to a foster family."

After he dropped the silence, he leaned forward, rubbing his eyes with both his thumbs. Afraid to look back at her, feeling ashamed and disgusted. It seemed like such a lame excuse, at least that's what he thought. He was running from his past. Shutting down and closing everything that had to do with it. While he did so, he had let her down aswell. His biggest mistake ever made, knowing he had loved her back then. Somehow he still did. This meeting was the proof of that, but if she would see it that way, he did not know. ,,I couldn't come back. I should've but couldn't, and Ilona, I am so sorry for that." Dashiell turned his head towards her, his bright blue eyes seeking for hers. ,,I've let you down. Hurted you in ways I could never imagine." The expression on his face already betrayed how he felt. How many emotions ran through his veins, and how badly he fought to keep it all inside. ,,As I am not here to ask for your forgiveness.. But just.. So you would know."

There was a deep desire to run away from all of this. Although Dashiell did not show it as much he could, the pain got almost too overwhelming. Too hard to handle. He had opened a memory box, one which he would rather be lost than possessed. Of course he knew it was going to be hard. Just not this hard. Leaving it unspoken was a lot simpler, but most of all saver. As long no one knew, no one could harm him with it. Until now. Ilona could. She was given the power to verbally completely destroy him. The blonde haired man prepared himself. His face straightened, while his bright looking eyes hardened. At his weakest point he still had to be strong. No matter what.

A pair of arms wrapped around his waist. He could feel her head leaning against his shoulder. Surprised he blinked with his eyes, still remaining unmoved. A few seconds ago he believed to get the biggest pile of shit, but there they were. Sitting on a bench, hugging. Kind of. Dashiell looked at her from the corner of his eye. Smiling softly, almost unseen. The warmth of her hug felt nice. Pretty fucking good actually. Even though his own bodyheat had been high, hers was still overpowering. A feeling he didn't had for quite some years. No warmth of a woman's flesh had been able to reach him, until this moment. Slowly he turned to her, as soon she pulled away. His eyes were resting on her face, calmly, listening to her words. Words he understood. Words he accepted, no matter how harsh they were. Ilona was right, in every single way. And all Dashiell could do was to do a nod, before he spoke. ,,You're right," he reacted as Ilona spoke her last sentence. ,,I believe we do see our friendship different."

He hadn't said it to hurt the red haired girl. On the contrary. ,,In my eyes it wasn't just a friendship," he continued, before she would stand up and leave him. ,,I loved you." Perhabs this part was even harder than the first. Speaking of love was a whole different kind of level. Just as the first subject, no other feeling could be compared with this. ,,I really did, but I was too afraid to speak." Carefully he bit on his lower lip, stopping immediately before it started bleeding. ,,You see, my parents were the perfect example of true love. Heretofore shit went down, of course. After all that happened, young me layed the connection I would start hurting you too eventually. That's why I never contacted you." Almost like a cheesy romantic play. The thought of that made Dashiell smile once again, showing how embarressed he was. ,,It took me way too long to figure that out." He shaked his head, removing the smile from his lips.